Monday Mumbles - 48

Good Monday Morning. I'm writing these on Sunday night and if all went well, I went running this morning. :)

1. Finally bit the bullet and put Vincent in his crib, awake, screaming, kicking, crying -- but to bed at the same time as all the rest of the kids. We have been far too lenient with this one...letting him come to bed with Momma, letting him stay up until 10 because he just wasn't ready to go to bed. I wonder how long I can hold out and do this every night.

2. I hope you all had a wonderful Father's day.

Craig and the kids

3. 5 minutes after I typed #1 above, I went to the boys' room to pick Vincent up and soothe him down a bit. It didn't work. I held him and told him, "It's time to go to sleep. Big boys sleep in their own beds and go to bed without Mommy or Daddy holding them." It only made him mad. Sigh.

4. 5 straight days of Crossfit last week will be topped, I hope, this week by 6 straight days. It's weird. I don't want to miss because I'm afraid I will lose something in the process. I actually did 20 box jumps up onto 20" boxes on Friday. Then on Saturday did 15 more! Box jumps are a total mind-job, I think.

5. Sarah has her first summer league volleyball game tonight! I hope they do well!

6. Helen had her ballet performance Saturday night. I loved it! I even asked her if she wanted to reconsider giving up ballet and she said she did and she would like to still go. So I'll be calling them this week to re-enroll her.  Here I am sitting with Dominic during one of the intermissions:

 

7. It is now about 8 minutes after I wrote #3 above and it's quiet. Maybe Vincent is falling asleep?

8. Sarah has been watching the reality show, "Dance Moms." I'm not sure what the draw is...but she watches it on the kids' computer which is set up right next to my computer and I find myself watching it for minutes at a time. It's like a train wreck!

9. We have entered this period of time where we can rely on Sarah to keep watch over the kids for an hour or two if we want. Sunday, this meant that Craig and I took a nap while Vincent napped. I haven't taken a real nap (like, laid down in my bed and slept) in the afternoon in so long, let alone get a nap in with my husband! That was crazy. But in a good way.

10. My kids are really great. I took Sarah and Helen shopping for Father's Day gifts. Sarah says, "Mom, Dad *really* needs a new pair of shorts!" so she bought him a nice pair of shorts. Helen says, "Mom, I want to give Dad a new coffee mug that he will use every day." And, she bought him one. Seriously, Sarah and Helen handed me the money to pay for the gifts they bought their dad, and that was way cool. Dani learned two new songs (that were NOT Taylor Swift!) to play for her Dad for Father's Day. I helped the boys out and got a couple things I knew Craig would appreciate for Father's day to be from them.

Have a terrific Monday!!
 

7 Quick Takes - 51

Happy Friday! It's time once again to link up with Jennifer Fulwiler and her awesome Friday blog carnival.

--- 1 ---

Let's talk exercise for a couple of these, shall we? I am 6 weeks in to this Crossfit business. The Box I go to requires you to complete a four week "Foundations" class before you can join and pay their monthly fee and come to whichever workouts you want. It's been one of the more intense and enjoyable exercise experiences I have had. Seriously. I realize that I want to go do Crossfit workouts more than I want to run. I'm starting to think I could probably still train for my half-marathon in August, just by doing long runs on Saturday/Sunday and increasing by a mile (if I start at 6 this weekend) without worrying too much about too many 3-milers or 5-milers mid-week. What do you think?

--- 2 ---

When I started Crossfit in May, the added weight training made my legs tired and my runs basically sucked for about 3-4 weeks. I had a hard time running the hills around here and I felt generally fatigued pretty much all the time. And I do now fall asleep quickly at night. At first, because the workouts were in the evenings, I would be wired for four or more hours at night. Now, I am able to shower and simmer down quickly enough to get to sleep only 2 hours after the workout which works fine with my schedule.

--- 3 ---

Now, I am able to complete my runs without stopping. They aren't always easy by any means, but I can do them without walking anyway. I am even getting a little faster. My average pace for my last few runs has been below 10:30. Last week I ran a mile for time and it was 8:46, then Wednesday of this week, we needed to run a mile for time at Crossfit and I did it in 8:06. I know the added strength is a factor.

--- 4 ---

Sarah started practicing for summer volleyball Sunday! It was good to watch her again. I e-mailed her coach from club to find out what the scoop was for their club and a 13's coach and found out she will be coaching a 13's team for that club next year. SWEET! I really liked her coach -- her approach was hard-nosed, fundamentally sound and pretty much in line with how I would coach if I were a full-time coach. So I'm excited that it seems Sarah will get to play for her again next winter/spring.

--- 5 ---

Summer is in full swing around here. I rather enjoy coming home to a straightened up house every day. My kids are earning their keep! :) And we have had some gatherings with some great photos:

My toddlers always love this playhouse at my sister's house (Vincent is no exception):

I love this one of my oldest carrying my youngest:

Vincent showing me the mud on his hand:

Dominic (Sarah, too) could always fish out the Grandmas...

Dominic sitting with Grandma Lueckenotte

--- 6 ---

Helen's ballet production is Saturday! I'm so excited for her. The dress rehearsal was last night. Chalk this one up to lack of experience, but I had no idea I needed to expect to be at a dress rehearsal for 6+ hours. Holy moly. But Helen got to hang out with one of her BFF's, so it was all good...

--- 7---

I have this post I've been working on. It's kind of like 10 things a NFP momma should tell her pre-teen/teenage daughter. But I can't seem to get it together. It's very disjointed and, I'll be honest, I'm a bit gun-shy of posting it because it's kind of personal. I mean, every parent is different in what they want to do to prepare their child for adolescence and puberty and all that stuff. I have about 4 things, but it seems like I should get a list of about 10 things together. I want to go over the things I have gone over with Sarah, but I'll be honest, I'm a bit shy about posting THAT just in case it might embarrass her in the process. I don't seem to have a problem posting about my own experiences using NFP, or promoting my own thoughts, feelings or ideas on it, but involve one of my children and it becomes a way bigger story, I guess. How do you other Catholic, NFP-promoting mamas handle that sort of thing? Am I being silly? Or safe?

Have a great weekend!!

Be sure to go visit Jen for more Quick Takes!

I Knew the Day Would Come I Would Write This...

I knew at some point, I'd have to write a post like this. Only because the words have been working in my head ever since the week we lost Gregory. I wish the push didn't have to be due to a friend having trouble in pregnancy right now. But no matter what, I've thought about this many different times over the course of the past three months.

I really never truly understood the pain of losing a child during pregnancy until it happened. Furthermore, having never suffered complications before, I really didn't understand the pain and anxiety associated with pregnancy for others. I can say right now, I'm extremely afraid to get pregnant again because I think I'd suffer some major anxiety or worry over every little thing -- I'd probably go insane.

When I would hear about complications in pregnancy or friends losing their babies before we lost Gregory about halfway through my pregnancy, I felt true sadness. I often did feel horrible and helpless. As a matter of fact, I was quite empathetic (in my mind) to what was going on and I would offer fervent prayers for her and for her baby and for her family. I'm not going to short-change my effort there. I truly would pray so hard and really try to imagine myself in her shoes, walking that walk of losing a child.

It wasn't my fault, but the fact is I. had. no. idea. 

Seriously, I had no idea at all what the pain was like. How could I? I had never suffered this pain. I had the perspective that it was God's plan that the baby was taken up to Heaven without spending time on earth with family. There was nothing wrong in what I did -- I was honestly attempting to understand, empathize and offer up any of my own suffering or sacrifice for those who miscarried. Even my own sister, who has suffered losses on the way to her five children she and her husband share earthly life with, could never have helped me understand the level of pain required for true empathy in her situation.

That all changed when God called Gregory home. The pain -- physical, searing, horrible -- in my heart when I was told my baby had died...it's so difficult to convey to someone else. And you really don't want to because you know how painful it is. You never want anyone else to feel that pain.

Now, when I find out about friends losing children, or even friends suffering difficult pregnancies -- that wound in my heart throbs. It is an echo of that physical, sharp, horrible pain I felt the day I learned Gregory died -- but it's still raw. I can't stop tears. I can't stop from praying a Hail Mary and asking our Blessed Mother to come to the aid of that momma who is having trouble or who may already be grieving her child.

When I lost Gregory, so many women came out of the woodwork, so to speak, to share their loss-experiences with me. They provided some comfort, they told me they understood, and because they'd been there, I knew it was true. I was grateful that they shared with me that they'd walked this sorrowful walk in life. 

And for those who hadn't lost a child that offered condolences, I was so grateful for the experience of my past when I, myself, didn't really know the pain of my sisters in Christ. Because I knew their prayers and words came from a pure and innocent place in their hearts - a place untouched by this deep sorrow. And their prayers lifted me and my husband and our family up to a place where we could begin this process of healing. I'm forever grateful and truly understand how and where these prayers originate.

I have thought about my friend and prayed for her and her family A LOT over these weeks. I realize that once again, I'm in a place where I can't imagine what she's going through. My friend has not lost her baby, but her baby is struggling to make it to viability due to her complication. Her baby is healthy with a heartbeat and everything at this time. All she can do is stay off her feet and wait and pray and ask us to pray for her and her baby. It breaks my heart all over again to know another momma who just wants her child to live, just wants her baby to be here with her...and she is completely at the mercy of God, as are we all.

Right now, I simply need to ask any of you reading this to pray. 

PRAY. 

PRAY. 


PRAY to our Heavenly Father or ask our Blessed Mother's intercession for a miracle for healing in this woman's womb and keep that baby living and developing.

Find Image Here

Remember, O Most Gracious Virgin Mary,
That never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection,
Implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, we fly to thee, O Virgin of Virgins, Our Mother.
To thee do we come, before thee we stand, sinful and sorrowful.
O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not our petition,
But in thy mercy, hear and answer us.
Amen.

The Truly Terrible Tantrum Stage

Honestly, I've been blessed over the years of babies in our house to have kids that -- for the most part -- didn't throw a lot of tantrums. Well, either that, or I've been blessed with forgetfulness.

These days, I feel like Vincent is making me pay for that.

Vincent, oh my Vincent. 

That boy throws tantrums like nothing I have ever seen. And they don't even make sense! He'll make it very clear that he wants something -- say, a cup of chocolate milk -- and then as you go about preparing it, he starts throwing a fit. Some days he just wakes up throwing a fit. I've never seen anything like it.

The way in which he throws his tantrums is ridiculous, too. He literally throws himself on the floor and kicks his feet and pounds his fists. Lately he's gone to sitting down on the floor and throwing his head backwards. This morning, he was ticked off that Craig wasn't home from work yet when he woke up and he screamed all the way to daycare.
 
When he was about 6 months younger, he wasn't talking as much and I thought the tantrums were just the result of a lack of communication. But now, he knows how to communicate, and like I said, sometimes even though he communicates he wants something and we go about doing it, he still throws a fit. 

As for how I handle it, I try not to pay it any mind. If we're at home, I just make sure he's in a safe place and ignore him. In the car it's a bit different, though. This morning I thought I was going to go crazy if he wouldn't stop, so I stopped by McDonald's and got him some chocolate milk which seemed to calm him down the remaining way to daycare.

I guess the point of this is to document that this kid...

Hanging out with Daddy

Super-Vincent

About to do something ornery, for sure

going down the slide

after eating a powdered donut

...is ornery.

Monday Mumbles - 47

Happy Monday! It's the first Monday of summer vacay for this kids.  And our household is less one kid this week, with Sarah at her Challenge Camp.  But, we'll mumble...

1. First and foremost -- I ran the whole way of my 10K on Saturday. Feeling pretty good about that because last year, I did not. And I took 9 minutes off my time from last year, too!

Me -- feeling strong after the race

2. The course for Hospital Hill is full of hills. We did the 10K, but the Half Marathon has plenty in the extra 7 miles, too. I know I complained about the hills around my house the past few weeks, but I appreciated them Saturday as I was able to run every single hill -- maybe not fast -- but I kept on running!

3. Now I need to settle in on a Half Marathon training plan for the one I'm running with Rebecca in August...

4. Maggie and Sarah -- I hope you're still planning to come, even though Sarah is expecting twins...you know, it's all about us. ;)

5. I took the younger four to the park AND swimming yesterday. Lucky kids, they are. Here are some pics from the park. No pics from the pool since it was just me and I was doing good just to actually put on my swimsuit and get in the water with them and all.

Helen is my model in the making as you can see

Funny Face

Silly big sis - lil bro

Ready to launch!

See? Model in the making...I'm in trouble later on

6. And yes, Dani avoided the camera for some reason.

7. I found a paper in Dani's schoolwork that came home where she wrote that she plays the guitar, that she's good at it and when she grows up, she wants to be a guitar teacher. I just thought that was awesome.

8. Oh! I "graduated" from CrossFit Foundations Friday night! Friday night's session was a basic review of all the movements and then we did the same WOD (Workout Of the Day) that we did on the very first night. Here it is:

200 Meter Run
15 Ring Rows, 15 Push ups, 15 Air Squats
12 Ring Rows, 12 Push ups, 12 Air Squats
  9 Ring Rows,   9 Push ups,   9 Air Squats
200 Meter Run

You do all that straight through -- keep moving -- no resting.

On the very first night -- May 7, I did that in 8:48. And on Friday night, I did it in 5:37. Holy cow, I took 3 minutes off! The gal running the session said before we did it that it was average for people improve by 3:15 or so, but I thought, oh, no way can I take 3 minutes off...   BUT! I did!!!

9. Helen has been fundraising for her sponsorship fee for her Pageant in August. She has to raise $480. So far, she's raised $155. I'm pretty proud of her. It's no small thing to ask people to sponsor you.

10. 5 days until my Sarah-bear comes back from camp! She may be a mouthy preteen, but she's my girl and I definitely miss her when she's gone!!

Sarah when I dropped her off for her week-long camp

 

3 Months

It dawned on me two days ago that while I was running a 10K today, it would be 3 months since the day we delivered Gregory.

Once that registered, there was a slight damper on the remainder of the day that continued through this morning. It also prompted me to go back and read some posts from before his death as well as some of the stuff I wrote as we were dealing with it all.

It's weird. 13 weeks. Three months. A quarter of a year. 

A lifetime.

Yes, time has sped back up and our lives are back at the clip they were before we lost Gregory. But sometimes I feel like I've aged 10 years through the ordeal. I am still sad. I still haven't made it through Mass without breaking down into tears and/or sobs.

Is it because, had he lived, I would still be pregnant? I find myself fearing the end of July because I don't know what another two months will bring and how I will feel on that due date. When I found out Gregory was on the way, I did something I have done with every pregnancy. I went through my work planner and marked the weeks. So, every week right now, I see how far along I would be. Right now, I'd be 32 weeks along, likely big as a house (as my younger brother has been known to say), waddling, fatigued and maybe a little stressed knowing our family dynamics would change soon.

But, I am no longer pregnant. We said goodbye to Gregory 13 weeks ago. I've dropped the weight gained through the pregnancy and my body has finally begun to act like a non-pregnant one what with my waist shrinking and my cycles regulating. I've become active again, running, doing crossfit, and making healthy changes in general.

When I started running again, I began having some individual prayer time with Gregory. Sometimes I tell him how much I love him and miss him. Sometimes I tell him that I'm running because I want to be healthy for his siblings. Sometimes I just ask him to pray for me, to help me keep going.

The truth is, it's easier to keep going these days. The tears are mostly relegated to weekly Mass, though sometimes my thoughts wander and the tears come at other times. I laugh a bit more...find things funny again. Even though the sadness is still present, sometimes just under the surface, I am able to put on my strong face and save the tears for my counseling sessions or as I'm getting ready for bed.

I wish I could say the fact that it's easier these days made me happy. But, there's a lingering worry that if it's easier then maybe I don't love Gregory as much as I thought I did. I feel caught in this strange place where I'm moving past some of the grief, but I'm not. Or I am afraid to move past it. 

It's kind of like how it is with the other five and my occasional, irrational worries that I might show favor to one kid over another. I know it makes no sense, but there's this nagging worry that I'm giving Gregory the shaft...not giving him enough love or enough of me. The same way I might worry that I don't spend enough time reading books with Helen or Dominic, I worry that I don't think about Gregory often enough anymore (which is silly because I clearly still think about him every day). The fact that the grief is no longer ever-present makes me pause and worry that I'm not making him as important as he deserves to be.

It's this whole big weird mixed bag of feelings that I just don't know what to do with. Our lives here on earth go on. They must. At times, I find that I feel guilty that I now am facing this state in our family life where we won't have a baby in the house. And I let myself look forward to it and feel how that can be a positive development. Of course, I'm not happy that Gregory is not here with us, but the circumstances being what they are, it's kind of like, "Let's make the best of it" right?

I guess it's the lack of completeness I feel about the whole thing. Anyone who knows me knows I am a finisher. I like to see things through to the end. And I don't feel like I got the chance to do that in this case. I don't know what kind of personality Gregory was going to have. I don't know if he would have looked like me or Craig. I don't know if he would have been ornery like Vincent or well-behaved like Dominic. Would he have given Helen a run for her money vying for my attention and affection? Perhaps he and Dani would have formed a brother/sister musical duo or would he have an easy-going, fun-loving soul like his oldest sister, Sarah? 

I only know that he was too loved by God to endure this world, to contaminate his soul with the perversions of materiality, like the Book of Wisdom states.

I guess knowing that God spared him from this world to be with Him for eternity at such a young age makes me happy in one sense -- that such a soul could be my child.

But knowing that makes me sad, too, because wouldn't he have made our lives so much richer with his presence here in our family on earth?

PhotoCredit

 

7 Quick Takes 50 - School's Out Edition

Holy cow, this is the 50th time I've participated in Jen Fulwiler's awesome blog carnival, 7 Quick Takes on this blog! Guess what else...I'm about to go over 50,000 views and I have 58 followers, per blogger. I think I need to do a giveaway, or something, eh? But then...I really don't know how to do those. 

--- 1 ---

Today is the final (half) day of school. I wonder...what is the point of half days, anyway? This noon dismissal stuff...I mean, it seems like they really can't get that much done in 3.5 hours or so, and for the little kids, you know they get even less done on a noon dismissal day. 

Oh well.

At noon today, I will officially have a rising 7th grader, 4th grader and 2nd grader. 

7th grader, 4th grader and 2nd grader

Believe me when I tell you, there were times (when all three of those girls were under the age of 5 and NONE had begun grammar school) that I thought this day would never come. You moms out there who have 2 under 2 or even 2 under the age of 3 or 4....your day will come, too. And you'll wonder where that sweet toddler went (because you'll forget all about the tantrums s/he threw every day at the age of 3.

--- 2 ---

So, back to the noon dismissals -- Guess what? The 2013-14 school calendar came out and we will have noon dismissals on every First Friday next year. Now, that's all fine and dandy. I mean, it's a Catholic school and First Fridays are kind of a big deal. My question is -- will they provide First Friday Mass and Confession for all the kids, too? That is something I'm asking at the next school board meeting.

--- 3 ---

My children are not very happy with me for purchasing another round of "Summer Solutions." 

These are workbooks (I stick with the Math genre) that provide adequate daily review for the kids during the summer so they don't show up in August with empty-heads. 

Oh, the whining! I have heard. 

"But M-o-o-o-o-ommmmmmmm! It's SUMMER!"

--- 4 ---

I'm not the type to allow my kids to sit around all summer and NOT do anything academic anyway. Our school requires a summer reading program and project that is due on the first day of school. Before they had that, though, I always signed my kids up for the Library's summer reading program. So, I'm not sure what my kids thought they'd accomplish with the whining.

And because I need a picture of my boys...

Dominic is forever closing his eyes when I try to take pictures!!!

--- 5 ---

Sarah is going to Challenge Camp next week. She is so excited to go back. She gets a week away from us, and gets to spend time growing in faith, hanging out with girls her age, doing fund activities like swimming, horseback riding, ziplining, etc. They have themed dinners all week and time spent outdoors and with nature and doing faith-based activities that can help her grow in her relationship with Jesus Christ.

--- 6 ---

Dani gets a week-long summer camp (Children of Mary Camp) in July which she will attend with her cousin in NC! She is also excited. The schedule looks promising. It will be Dani's first time away from home for that period of time. I think she'll have a blast, though, especially getting to hang out with her cousin.

--- 7---

Volleyball for the summer starts next week, too. Sarah will be playing regulation ball for the first time. I know she is excited to see how that goes. Helen is going to be in a FUN league for rising 2nd and 3rd graders. I think she's light years ahead of where Sarah was at age 7 with regard to skills since she can already move to the ball and pass it fairly accurately. I am excited to get her going in volleyball!

Bonus: Craig and I are running the 40th Hospital Hill run tomorrow. We are running a 10K. My hope is that I run the whole way. I'd like to beat last year's time, but I should do that if I run the whole way because I remember walking quite a bit last year.

Here's a picture with all five of the kiddos...

Hughes kids on the Eve of the last day of school

Have a great weekend!!

Be sure to go visit Jen for more Quick Takes!